I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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