I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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