I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize