Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
