The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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