I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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