Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
false alarm, still single
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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