if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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