Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
