he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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