I hate all girls vehemently.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize