i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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