I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
