i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
