I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
