apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
it's great music for shaving your balls
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
