I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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