I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
