I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
