apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
