I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
