my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
