yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
