white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
