And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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