spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
