i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
