Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Randomize
