you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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