I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
