when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
