I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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