I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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