im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
