I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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