then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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