The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
