where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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