I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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