Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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