Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
