i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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