Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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