I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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