He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
