Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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