well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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