I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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