If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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