i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
