Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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