Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
