If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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