I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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