you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
