So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
