On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You need a sexual gate keeper
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
