I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
